Those Right-Wing Assholes Get Their License To Kill
If you’re a Proud Boy, an Oath Keeper, or a Neo-Nazi, you now have the right to cross state lines with your assault weapon and kill anyone you want—claiming self-defense because you felt threatened.
It took a 17-year-old, Kyle Rittenhouse, to show us the way. Put yourself in his shoes. You’re him. You know for a fact that your head is about to get chopped off by a lethal weapon—a skateboard.
Shit, are skateboards even allowed at protest rallies—and if so, why?
What choice do you have as an innocent 17-year-old who only wants to protect property against protesters who break into stores and loot them?
You shoot the 36-year-old Mr. Lethal Threat Rosenbaum Godzilla point-black in the face—before he can dust off his skateboard and behead you with it.
2. Deader than Roadkill
So now, where is Mr. Scary Rosenbaum all of a sudden? Flat on the ground. That motherfucker is deader than Give Peace A Chance. Those fucking armadillos, you know how dead they can get? As dead as Joseph Rosenbaum. (These stupid armadillo fuckers try to cross a highway in front of a 40 KL Fuel Tank Trailer With Bogie—carrying a full load of Planet-Destroying Premium. How stupid can you get?)
I got my man, I did—me, Kyle Rathouse—and I wept with relief when the jury saw it my way.
Now Superkid Kyle is hailed by all shooters with guns forty times bigger than their dicks.
But hey, Superkid Kyle, methinks you shot Joseph because you weren’t man enough to take him on mano a mano. So you hid your lack of manhood behind an AR-15-Style Semi-Automatic Rifle.
3. A Kid with a Gun
From Farhad Manjoo in NY Times Nov 17, 2021: “At every turn that night, Rittenhouse’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle made things worse, ratcheting up danger rather than quelling it. The gun transformed situations that might have ended in black eyes and broken bones into ones that ended with corpses in the street. And Rittenhouse’s gun was not just a danger to rival protesters. According to his own defense, the gun posed a grave threat to Rittenhouse himself — he said he feared being overpowered and then shot with his own weapon.”
4. From a Nerf Gun at Seven to an AR-15-style Semi-Automatic Rifle at Seventeen
I know kids like you, Kyle. You start with the biggest Nerf gun. And now you've got yourself a deadly weapon with that Big Fat Gun Look.
Maybe you’re compensating for a needle dick. Or maybe you just want to be a Big Gun Guy.
Anyways, you’re in no mood for your jaw to inhale another man’s fist—you don’t deserve to be met with such violence—you came in peace with your AR-15-style semi-automatic rifle—still, you’re not going to let some dude come at you and question your patriotism. You're a patriot because you’ve got a Big Fat Gun to protect America from all these mother-fucking Marxist assholes whose stank you can smell a country-mile away.
5. Fuck the Libtards
Anyhow, what do you care--these property-destroying protesters are traitors from within—criminal AOC Marxists who want to ruin our nation. Make America more woke and more CRT instead of more white.
You used that gun of yours to kill, and now you’re a hero—now any rightwing asshole can say he’s got a license to kill—just like 007. That would be 007 times a thousand if you count all the double-oh-zeroes who voted for the former guy.
6. The Right to Shoot People in the Street
Karen Bloom and John Huber, the parents of a dead Huber, disagree with what the jury did. “Today’s verdict means that there is no accountability for the person who murdered our son. It sends the unacceptable message that armed civilians can show up in any town, incite violence, and then use the danger they have created to justify shooting people in the street.”
7. The Judge Was on Your Side, Kyle, before the Jury got their Chance
Fuck me with a blowdryer—the fucking judge was on your side, Kyle—never mind the jury.
The judge pooh-poohed your statement that you wished you had a gun at an occasion on August 10th, 15 days prior—and blasted the prosecution with the following BS neatly wrapped in the English language:
“I see no similarity between talking about, wishing you had your AR gun, which you don’t have, so you could—(unclear words here) —fire rounds at these thought-to-be shop-lifters—and the incidents in these cases—which are—NOT—uh-uh—there’s nothing in your case that suggests the defendant was lying in wait to shoot at somebody”—and so on. More partisan Judge BS than we know from the partisan Supremes because of Sonia Sotomayor’s great dissents.
8. WTF happened?
“Joseph Rosenbaum was the first person Rittenhouse shot on that chaotic night. According to Rittenhouse's lawyers, Rosenbaum approached Rittenhouse and attempted to "engage" him. Afraid, Rittenhouse took off running and Rosenbaum gave chase. Videos of the incident show that Rosenbaum eventually threw the plastic bag he was carrying at Rittenhouse, who responded by firing four shots at the man.”
9. How Superkid Kyke Sees Shit
Now you, Superkid Kyle, you’re checking that big scary Rosenbaum head. So you fill that head with your four bullets (or maybe just one; he’s still dead). You realize real quick that this pig-fucker of a mother-fucking head is gonna slam you down with a head-butt. You’re gonna land on your ass so hard, your gun goes off and shoots off both your balls. Who knows what can happen? The guy has teeth. Teeth! He’s gonna chew off your gonads in front of your buddies—paralyzed and yet highly intrigued by the once-in-a-lifetime sight of two 17-year-old balls becoming meat for the pincers of some warthog-fucking protester with his lethal skateboard.
10. Progressive Action in the 2022 Midterms
OK Progressives—the time has come to make changes.
Laws that keep the goons with guns off our streets.
Come the midterms, vote—before the next Rittenhouse comes for us.
We could be marching peacefully for the rights of transgender persons to pee in the ladies toilet when two shots ring out. Two people lie dead in the street. What happened? The shooter says these two guys—“they asked me to point my assault weapon downwards and not at them. I immediately feared for my life. Plus they were scarily good skaters. I could see they were getting ready to chop off my head with their skateboards.”
So watch out—and mind how you go. The next Rittenhouse could be coming for you.
COMING NEXT FROM THE 4-LETTER PROGRESSIVE: Those Motherfuckers Who Wanted To Hang Pence Get Slaps On The Wrists. Why? It’s The Not Being Black, Stupid.